The Kübler-Ross model
by Pinviini
Summary: Promise to love someone until death while knowing it would come sooner rather than later had the same effect. There was happiness with the promise of unconditional love ruined by bitterness of being deprived a happily ever after. Marriage would be associated with concepts of happiness, white, cake, love and stamped with a timer: Soon to be expired.
1. The Five Stages of Grief

**A/N:** Hey stranger.  
This is definitely the heaviest thing I've ever posted anywhere and I'm nervous about this. I just want to say to everyone struggling with these issues, that I'm so sorry. I try my best to depict things but I don't want this getting too deep because then I'd never get the story moving. This might seem super simplified to some people as this is a heavy subject.  
Everyone deals with these things differently but this is only a fan fiction, so don't take this too seriously.  
This is different from my other stories because this is more story-telling whereas my other fics are mostly dialogue-heavy describing only "necessary things".

I'm not a native speaker, so sorry for the mistakes! I tried to play with my English a little even though I know it's risky. Hopefully it's not too bad and it's at least understandable.

Thank you so much for reading this! I don't know if this is something people want to read but I wanted to post it anyway.

 **This fiction handles Isak dealing with Even having a terminal illness! So Major character death is coming up.**

* * *

Why is it that people are so intrigued by whatever is going on in inside other peoples' minds? And how is it that even though we use up so much energy chasing that knowledge, we still understand each other so very little.

People are easy to predict when they go about their lives in a "controlled environment". They have a job, a family, friends, hobbies. They have schedules that tell them what to do weeks ahead. A simple calendar could almost be thought of as a portal to the future - if you know you have a meeting next Thursday you also know you'll most likely be there. But in this, _almost_ is the key word:  
The unexpected comes to play.

It is only when something unexpected happens that we realize how little we know each other. It is always a crude reminder of how delved we are on the future when we should be invested with now. How we use our own experiences in order to read someone without realizing that it's exactly what they are doing too. It's funny how we might think of ourselves as observers who can take in any information, not including our own lives, objectively – we think of our feelings as something separate from our sense as if we could restrain parts of ourselves by will. This of course is just in our heads. It's not true at all: we are a whole and everything in our brain influences everything.

The unexpected is what truly begins to show us how complicated we are – how intricate the whole world is and how foolish we are for planning ahead without even knowing if the world will come to an end before tomorrow.

Still this can be considered as a privilege as some people don't get to plan ahead or do that knowing it is in vain.

Isak didn't hear or see anything. It was all just buzz and blur. Twisted faces and barking sounds that didn't sound like talking at all. Still he was pretty sure it was talking.  
It was as if his senses just refused to take in anything. So, it was all blank and distant – floating, not cold or warm. He was just simply existing. Being someplace in the spacetime as if the coordinates didn't matter. How he might as well have been floating next to Pluto.

 _How to deal with a terminal illness_

"Isak? Do you hear me?" someone called out to him and the voice was weird and twisted like it was floating through a wormhole or something. It made Isak want to giggle but he didn't. He realized he didn't have a single breath in him and he had forgotten how to inhale so next it wasn't blur and buzz but black and soothing.

"Are you okay?" the voice sounded alarmed. Isak's head was spinning painfully and he felt dizzy. He was squeezing his eyes shut so tightly he could see stars.

As he opened his eyes he saw a face. A bright light shining from behind it made the outlines of the head melt. He blinked a couple of times taking a few deep breaths and the face became clear. Even looked concerned.

"It's going to be fine," he said soothingly and Isak felt fingers stroking his forehead gently. He knew it had to have something to do with the barking and now that he realized it hadn't been a dream he also felt concerned.

"What is?" he managed to ask with a raspy voice as Even helped him to sit on the floor.

"Everything," Even smiled but Isak didn't buy it. From the way, Even had said it Isak was pretty sure everything was not going to be fine. In fact, he was sure nothing was going to be fine – something was obviously terribly wrong and he hated how he was expected to know but he didn't. He didn't have the slightest idea other than it was not good.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Isak heard Even say while he was busy looking around to figure out where he was – home. He was home. Then he turned to face Even who was crouched on the floor next to him.

"I don't understand," Isak said massaging his aching temple with his hand, "what didn't you tell me."

Even looked away clearly not wanting to repeat himself and the fact that he refused to meet Isak's gaze all together made Isak worry even more.

"Sorry, I don't know what happened. I just lost it," Isak said still trying to read his boyfriend.

"I have lung cancer, Isak. That's why I've been sick and it's spread," Even blurted out and Isak didn't know what to think. He had no idea if this was some cruel joke and he really hoped it was.

"I don't want this to chance anything, okay? I just want to enjoy my life. Do you hear me? I'm not having you crying over me," Even said with piercing eyes and Isak nodded even though he wasn't sure if he understood. He didn't cry or ask anything so Even took his hand sighing deeply and Isak could tell he was holding in a cough.

"I know it's a lot to take in but I don't think I can handle this if you freak out."

"That's unfair," Isak said bluntly but didn't know what else to do. It took him the rest of the day and half of the next one before it hit him. He burst out in tears in the middle of an exam and he had only one thing in his mind:

Things were never going to be all right


	2. Denial and Isolation

**A/N** : Kodaline's All I want is song I listened to while writing this(among other songs) and for once it in a way suits the thing I'm writing. For this to be true you might have to twist the lyrics a little because I haven't done enough research to know exactly what they meant by them. So I'll take what I want from them. Sorry Kodaline, love you tho.  
"All I want is nothing more  
To hear you knocking at my door  
'Cause if I could see your face once more  
I could die as a happy man I'm sure"  
The melody is nice and light and definitely has hope written all over it.

* * *

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a psychiatrist born in Zürich in 1926 and deceased in U.S. in 2004. She engaged in medical studies even though her father insisted she wouldn't. But she persisted and graduated from The University of Zürich in 1957 and a year later moved to New York after her fiancée. She continued her studies there and was appalled by the hospital treatment of dying patients, which sparked an interest to make people understand them better in order to fill their needs. Kübler-Ross studied death and near-death experiences by interviewing terminally ill people. It ultimately led to her book On Death and Dying which contained also the now-famous Five Stages of Grief. Even though the Kübler-Ross model had received a lot of criticism since then, Isak still saw it everywhere.

Every site dealing with terminal illnesses or loss of a loved one had these same five stages that gave him absolutely nothing to work with as he wasn't the one terminally ill. None of these pointless lists had no advice as to how he could accept what was going on. These five stages just assumed how all people reacted to horrible news when in reality it was never so simple. It was like saying the sky is blue, which was also just partly true as the world didn't have colour just different frequencies of radiation our brain translate as colours. Isak had a hard time believing this praised model had ever done anyone any good based on the grim way it stated that the fifth(final) stage wasn't closure or a happy one.

Isak didn't know how to look at Even anymore. He couldn't sleep or eat and every time Even coughed Isak's heart started racing. When they watched a movie, Isak didn't really watch. He was somewhere far away in a parallel universe where he was pretending to be happy.

He point-blank refused to plan anything ahead and soon enough was so busy with school that he had no time for anything else. There was no other way to say it:  
Isak was avoiding Even as if this way he didn't have to watch him die.

Still he also struggled to keep in mind that Even was sick as the knowledge of the impending death seemed to have zero influence on Even's mindset. Somehow it made the whole episode surreal.

He didn't want to go with Even to talk about the treatments that would do nothing for him. He didn't want to hear Even refusing them in order to live instead of trying not to die.

"Are you okay?" Jonas asked carefully and it annoyed Isak.

"Sure," he answered nonchalantly keeping his eyes on the tv-screen and the COD match they had going on. He felt Jonas' eyes on him and was annoyed that he had asked in the first place only to refuse Isak's answer.

"Seriously, I'm fine. Peachy," Isak said coating his words with a laughter that was too tense to fool his friend.  
Jonas paused the game turning his whole body to face Isak.

"You have to go home," he said and Isak didn't want to hear him. He just unpaused the game and shoved some chips into his mouth.

"Did you hear what happened to Magnus over the weekend?" he asked eyes fixed on the game that suddenly froze as Jonas closed the console.

"Stop it. Whatever it is you are doing – it needs to stop," Jonas said gesturing something – that Isak didn't understand – with his hands.

"Playing?" Isak asked furrowing his brows as if he didn't know what Jonas was talking about. But he did. He also knew exactly what the other was about to say and he also knew Jonas was right. Isak braced himself mentally for the push Jonas was about to give him. The One that would make him go back to Even and stop denying facts.

"Do you think he's not scared? Hell, Isak, even I'm scared," Jonas said with a sharp tone pausing a little before continuing, "you have got to pull yourself together. You can't abandon Even just because you are a little scared. Face it. It's happening whether you like it or not. You have to be there for him."

Isak couldn't look at his friend. He let the words sink in during the silence following Jonas' words and felt a lump on his throat.

"And what if I can't?" Isak asked hoping Jonas could answer his question, however, knowing he couldn't. He wiped his tears from his cheeks trying to keep his act together.

"You'll have to try, Isak. I'm here for you, you are not alone," Jonas said in a voice almost a whisper and Isak knew it was because he didn't trust himself to speak.

"I'm so fucking scared," Isak said so loudly not only did he manage to scare Jonas' but also himself. He felt Jonas' strong arms wrap around him and he clutched to his friend like his life depended on it.

For the first time, he was able to think about things from Even's point of view and realized he had no idea how he was doing. Isak had been so busy thinking about his own feelings he hadn't simply had the capacity to involve Even's.

So, when he wrapped his hands around Even he was scared of breaking him. It was the first time he noticed the other had lost weight and it made the nightmare all the more real.  
But despite all this Even simply turned around sharing a wide smile before kissing him. Isak could taste his own salty tears in their kiss and he felt guilty for crying.

"I've spent months dying. But now I think I'm finally ready to live. Could you live with me?" he asked making Isak only cry harder. Still he nodded mumbling a yes. He wiped his nose on his sleeve making Even laugh at the amount of snot left on the fabric.

Even's hands left Isak's sides and from his sobbing Isak didn't notice him kneeling on the floor. Even had a ring in his hand and a smile on his face.

"Isak Valtersen, will you marry me?"

Isak couldn't speak or think he just sobbed in front of Even for what seemed like forever. It took a lot of nose-wiping and willpower but Isak managed to nod weakly. Everything was so messed up and Isak hated to be an emotional wreck.  
He hated how Even hadn't included him in his journey to accepting his illness.  
He hated how he was expected to do it alone.

"'Til death do us part. Easiest marriage ever," Even joked after slipping the ring on Isak's finger. He must've instantly regretted his decision to joke about it since it made all of Isak's efforts wash off and the crying consumed. But to Isak's surprise Even looked relieved and happy instead of regretful and he couldn't, for the life of him, figure out why.

The feeling had some similarities with seeing a clown in a horror movie for the first time. It was all about the contrast. Clowns were usually associated with something funny and happy and horror movies obviously with fright and anxiousness. When something expected to be delightful turns out to be anything but that, it makes one doubt. It confuses the web of association in our memory bringing something new to the picture. Next time when the person would meet a clown the new association would present itself and things like circus, balloon, happiness, face paint and goofiness would pop into mind but with fear along with them.

A promise to love someone until death while knowing it would come sooner rather than later had the same effect. There was happiness with the promise of unconditional love ruined by a bitterness of being deprived a happily ever after.  
Marriage would be associated with concepts of happiness, white, cake, love and stamped with a timer:  
 _Soon to be expired._

Isak tore a whole to the emotional wall he had built during the month so that he could reach out from behind it. He was tired of being alone in his own happy place pretending to be happy when he really was just lonely and sad.  
The ring in his finger quickly became a symbol of how much he loved Even. It was a concrete proof to Isak of how he was ready to do this with him.

 _That was a lie._

Isak wasn't ready at all but he was going to do it anyway. He was going to go on this adventure together with Even, not caring that the adventure happened to be about dying.

 _Another lie._

He cared. But he was going to do it anyway because, like he said, he loved Even and that most certainly was not a lie.

 _The first stage: Denial and Isolation_

 _The first reaction is denial. In this stage individuals believe the diagnosis is somehow mistaken, and cling to a false, preferable reality.  
Isolation arises from people, even family members, avoiding the dying person._

* * *

 **A/N2:** Kübler-Ross is a real person(deceaced) and the five stages of grief inspired me to write this. I haven't read her book yet but I probably will as I'm very interested of the discussions she had with the dying people. What did she ask them and how did they explain their experiences.  
I've always been pondering about death and despite my efforts I still somehow fail to understand. It should be easy and natural but it's just curious and scary.  
The chapters are all going to be quite short so they don't have the time to get so heavy.  
I don't know what else to say. I'm gloomy again.  
Hopefully someone can enjoy this as writing this feels cathartic somehow.  
Sorry for the mistakes!  
Thanks for reading! xx

(Oh and the end-quote is copied from wikipedia, hahha. lame)


	3. Anger

**A/N:** Hello again and if you are reading this, you make me a very happy person.  
Anger is something I have had to deal with a lot so it was weird how hard it was to write this down. I guess it is something I really don't know how to handle properly, haha.  
The frustration probably steps in more strongly later.  
Again sorry for the mistakes and thank you so much for reading! xx

* * *

Isak hadn't ever imagined that Disneyland would make him feel anger. Out of all the possible feelings anger was the least expected. Maybe it wasn't the Disneyland that made him angry but he was still angry at Disneyland all the same. He didn't want to be but he was.

He was constantly looking at couples older than them maliciously. He was envious that they got to have a life together when he was deprived of it. It didn't make sense to him at all why Even had to get sick when it could've been the guy in a funny hat smoking outside of smoking area or the big boned girl who cut them in line for the Mad Tea Party or the bulky guy eating ice cream in front of a fountain.  
But none of them were sick while Even still was.

He didn't smile at the ride and the picture Even took with him was either morbid or hilarious depending on who looked at it.

 _Luckily,_ he forgot to be mad when Even bought himself a pair of Mickey Mouse ears.  
He forgot that Even was sick when they asked an old lady to take a picture of them with Jack Sparrow who was apparently very openminded for a pirate since he looked delighted as they kissed. However, he got a grim reminder as the older passed out after coughing hard.  
 _Luckily_ , they got help without asking for it because Isak was so shocked he didn't know if he could've asked. It was the first time he saw something concrete besides weight loss and paleness and when Even collapsed right in front of him Isak felt as if the whole world went down with him.  
It was like waking up from a nice day dream to remember you're actually in hell.

He held Even's hand in the back of the ambulance stroking the back gently. Even looked apologetic as he had woken up almost immediately after the ambulance had arrived. Isak couldn't comfort him because he was still in shock and an army of unpleasant thoughts were battling inside his head.

He thought that the Five Stages were bullshit as denial came to his rescue like a knight in a shining armour. _This just simply wasn_ _'_ _t happening._ Even couldn't die because they still had so much they had to do together.

Denial was quickly replaced by anger, which made Isak snarl to the hospital staff without realizing he was embarrassing Even.  
 _Luckily_ most of the staff spoke English so lousily they couldn't understand most of the things he was saying to them.

"Relax, baby. It's nothing. I just haven't eaten much," Even said when Isak didn't stop pacing around the hospital bed Even was lying in.

"I'm sorry, I just –" Isak started not being able to finish. During the past months, he had become skilled at pushing his thoughts aside and that is exactly what he did now as he lied down next to Even, facing him.

"It's just so unfair," Isak said almost by accident making Even smile faintly and lift his slightly shaky hand to his cheek.

"What is?" Even asked waiting eagerly for Isak to say it out loud. Finally say out loud that Even was dying but he didn't.

"Nothing," Isak lied closing his eyes.

"I think it's kind of ironic that I've tried to kill myself before and now that I want nothing but to be with you I'm dead," Even huffed out a dry laughter and it was the first negative thing Isak had heard him say ever since telling about his condition. It made him equally anxious as it made him relieved. It also made him sad and angry because now that Even was affected by it, there was no way of ignoring the elephant in the room anymore.

"You can sell our story so they'll make a movie about us. Everyone loves tragedies."

"I don't. I absolutely hate tragedies," Isak argued making Even wrap his hands around him.

"But you could become a millionaire," he heard Even whisper and to him it was so bittersweet. He felt like there was a second meaning to every word they said. They included not only the thoughts they voiced but also the ones they would have liked to keep as a secret.

Even went through his pockets and after a while of struggling he managed to draw out his phone and headphones. He gave one to Isak after placing the other in his own ear.  
They looked at each other.  
They were so close neither of them could fully make out the other's face. Isak recognized the song but didn't know the name or artist. When he closed his eyes listening to the tunes everything else disappeared around them and just like that they were floating away from the reality neither of them desired to live in.

 _And I find it kinda funny_

 _I find it kinda sad_

 _The dreams in which I'm dying_

 _Are the best I've ever had_

Even rubbed their noses together making Isak smile. He placed a lazy kiss on Even's lips and after that they both fell asleep only to be awakened by a nurse fifteen minutes later.  
Isak hadn't noticed he had been so exhausted and also Even's eyes were drooping as he struggled to stay awake while speaking with the nurse.

Isak held Even's hands listening to the conversation without saying a word. He was just observing how they tried their best to understand each other and the nurse's expression got emphatic as the words terminal, lung and cancer were released into the air all three of them were breathing.

 _The second stage; anger_

 _When the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue, they become frustrated, especially at proximate individuals. Certain psychological responses of a person undergoing this phase would be: "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"; "Why would this happen?"._

* * *

 **A/N2:** Lyrics are from Garu Jules' Mad world  
The song doesn't reflect the anger this chapter is about but since this is Isak's POV it brings out Even's feelings he is unable to say out loud either for Isak's or for his own sake. I see the lyrics(among else) as in someone watching the world as an outsider who feels unconnected and sees existence as something trivial and everything in it mundane.

In this case I wanted to use it as this kind of out-of-body-experience Even has while they listen to it, as before he plays it, he speaks of his death and their story as something complete even going so far as to claim himself already dead despite pleading Isak to live with him in the second chapter. And on the other hand it also speaks something about Isak's frustration for not being able to help Even. "When people run in circles its a very very mad world."


End file.
